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Give in to the Darko
Current Month
Apr. 20th, 2005 @ 05:23 pm Inspired By Eric
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins, Disarm
Because some things are worth living as, and some things are not
Because generosity is the ability to share within reason but without limit what we are given
Because beauty is as beauty is, not as beauty does or says
Because the sun was shining today
Because I once saw myself happy
Because I heard a song in the wind and it was you
Because the glass we surround ourselves with is breakable
Because I will
Because my dreams were meant to be realities
Because I am too tired not to
Because I want to remember what it is
Because everyone needs a shower after a long wallow in misery
Because poetry was meant to be lived
Because days are too short to be wasted
Because I was alive once
Because islands in the sun exist in each of us
Because I was born to be
Because it feels right
Because the clock never slows down
Because I want friends
Because redheads were supposed to have fun
Because "someday" isn't soon enough
Because I am not afraid that someone will stop me
Because I can't be stopped
Because I want to laugh my soul out of my body
Because what I choose is my choice
Because everything tastes better covered in smiles
Because lilacs are the sweetest things I have ever known
Because I want to dance
Because I need to
Because life was meant to be lived, not mocked
Because wisdom is the pot of gold on the other side of the stormcloud
Because playing games is fun
Because a heart was meant to beat
Because they won't do it for me
Because they can't
Because I can

What I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do
A killer in me is a killer in you
Send this smile over to you
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Apr. 13th, 2005 @ 06:35 pm Rebirth
Current Mood: rejuvenatedrejuvenated
Current Music: Modest Mouse, Ocean Breathes Salty
But no holds are strong enough to hold me down, and I, like the phoenix, will rise from my own ashes, stronger and better and happier than before.

Fucking see if I don't, ye assholes of modern dayes.
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Apr. 13th, 2005 @ 06:21 pm Journal Entry 2.3
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Tool, Push It
Why did I let myself sink deeper into his game? I was headed into the bathroom for a good silent cry when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"What's up with you and Sean?" It was Elise, flanked by Rosalie and Girl, the beautiful blondes I secretly watched and admired. There were all so close, like triplets, that the worried look on Elise's face leaked onto the faces of the other two, mirroring her concern.

"I don't know," I said with a sigh, trying to keep my voice from shaking before it wrecked me.

"He's been completely ignoring you, and he's been, like, all over other girls." Her sweetness was angry for me, and I almost smiled.

"He's just flirty like that." Jesus Christ, was I defending him? "I mean, what happens at CONs stays at CONs."

"You know, while you were in Business Meeting they went to the park and made out."

I was surprisingly unaffected. She had only told me what I had secretly known, I don't know how, all along.

"I'm sorry," she said, while I pretended to watch the excited cascade of lunchgoers swarming past.

"Yeah, well," I said softly, "me too."

Somehow, as I walked away, lost, down the hall with their eyes on my back, I couldn't help but feel the chill of a familiar time, a familiar hurt. The sensation of betrayal spread icy and unwelcome across the battleground that had, until yesterday, been my heart. I was disgusted, I was in pain, and when Elise cornered me later that night I tried to shrug it off by telling her that I was glad I'd found out about him now, instead of later.

Searching desperately for a way to escape, I found myself standing outside on the wooden planks that separated each big square of cement from another. And before I could stop myself I bolted, trying to outrun the last two months when I thought he had cared about me.

That is that, and this is this. It's done, it's over, you're gone. You gave me a definite answer, that you were done with us, when you made a girl you didn't know into your goddess and dulled your brilliant smile to me. I would have sat on your lap, I would have kissed you like she did, but you know I couldn't have, and that's why you picked her up and threw me away.

But I guess they were right about you, and we have no one to blame but myself.
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Apr. 13th, 2005 @ 05:57 pm Making Up For A Long Time Away
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Hot Butter, Popcorn
Jenna has pink hair
Jenna has pink hair that looks like it's on fire
Jenna has pink hair that looks like it's on fire and went to a CON last weekend and saw the guy she really liked, who seemed to like her, make out with another girl
Jenna went to a CON last weekend
Jenna went to a CON last weekend in Golden, Colorado
Jenna went to a CON last weekend in Golden, Colorado and an asshole broke her heart
Jenna is done crying
Jenna is done crying over boys
Jenna is done crying over boys and now she's decided they're all a waste of time
Jenna has a best friend
Jenna has a best friend named Casey
Jenna has a best friend named Casey who saved her life by appearing in it
Jenna is tired
jenna is tired of high school
Jenna is tired of high school and is going to make it fun
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Fight Club
Feb. 22nd, 2005 @ 03:26 pm (no subject)

I have a car, as of about a week ago when I purchased an '89 red Dodge Daytona hatchback with a turbo. Although to most people this would just be a car, to me it is my 'sweet ride' and I love it and hug it.

I got a cell phone a couple of days ago too, WOW what a weird thing to suddenly have all this stuff I have to keep track of! My drivers' license, my sweet ride and the keys to it, my cell phone.

In other news, I was coughing up blood last night at work and I stayed home from school today.

I am thinking about asking James if he wants to get some coffee this weekend.
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Feb. 14th, 2005 @ 09:43 am (no subject)
Sigh. And it's freaking grey outside.

For everyone, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! You have no idea how far away I feel from you all.

Complications. My best friend's name is Sean. Sean is fourteen. Sean likes me, but we're just really good friends. Sean has an older brother by the name of Bob. Bob came up to me at church yesterday and asked for my phone number. And then he just came straight out and said, "I like you." Bob has a curly 'fro, kind of like Napoleon Dynamite's (it's even almost the same color). Friday I told my Theater class that my idea of the perfect boyfriend was Sean, because everything I could think of that defined the perfect boyfriend was something that he is. But then there's AJ, whom I absolutely love hanging out with because we figure things out together.

I'm done. If Bob asks me out I'll say yes, if AJ asks me out I'll say yes, but I'm done being the initiator. And I'm going to just let time take care of everything.
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Feb. 14th, 2005 @ 08:51 am Droopy Day
Current Mood: crappyDroopy
Current Music: Peter Gabriel, Here Comes The Flood
Do you ever get the feeling that you're standing at your edge and there's nothing but a void in your heart? It's Valentine's Day and that person standing there is me, wondering how I got to this point. People around me are celebrating, and I'm trying to pretend that my heart isn't frozen from a time when love was wrapping its warm arms around me.

I did something I regret yesterday. It had to do with my friend Taylor. He came over and we messed around for a few hours, and it felt wonderful but I was empty inside. I understand what Skye meant a while ago when she was telling everyone that she felt nothing. But I am wondering if what is really going on with me is that I am drugging myself, because if I could feel just how much I was feeling, I would pop. I keep getting into meaningless situations with boys and I am wondering what the lesson is there. Or perhaps I am waiting for them to teach me something that I can only learn from myself.

I talked to my father last night, and it hurt because our conversation was like an epileptic trying to walk on stilts. We were awkward and he felt like a stranger to me, a faraway thought.

I was late to French this morning, and I forgot my breakfast at home. I have a test later today and a test tomorrow, and rehearsals later tonight and I'm going to pick up my car later tonight too.

I guess I am just tired of not being able to see my secret, as AJ put it.


A neon sign flickers and draws in its light
Takes a breath and sleeps in the dead of night
Are we that way inside
Waiting for our final midnight ride?
Do we all pause and think of days gone by
And lift ourselves before the morning light?

First in sighs, and then in tears
Our hearts build a shipwreck of the years
Life, that sign once burned so bright
But now it fades like midnight light
What world, what rainbow-colored sun
Will shine for us when all is done?

No breath is deep enough to keep us high
A wave above the darkest night that fills the sky
I stop and watch the fallen autumn leaves
Turn golden with a heavenly relief
These branches fall like breathing ocean tides
And cry out all the water left inside
What hour will repair us at the end
When enemies become our closest friends?

Peter Gabriel, Here Comes The Flood

When the night shows
the signals grow on radios
All the strange things
they come and go, as early warnings
Stranded starfish have no place to hide
still waiting for the swollen Easter tide
There's no point in direction we cannot
even choose a side.

I took the old track
the hollow shoulder, across the waters
On the tall cliffs
they were getting older, sons and daughters
The jaded underworld was riding high
Waves of steel hurled metal at the sky
and as the nail sunk in the cloud, the rain
was warm and soaked the crowd.

Lord, here comes the flood
We'll say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.

When the flood calls
You have no home, you have no walls
In the thunder crash
You're a thousand minds, within a flash
Don't be afraid to cry at what you see
The actors gone, there's only you and me
And if we break before the dawn, they'll
use up what we used to be.

Lord, here comes the flood
We'll say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.

Lord, here comes the flood
We'll say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.
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Feb. 7th, 2005 @ 04:47 pm AJ
Current Mood: rejuvenatedrejuvenated
Current Music: Elliott Smith, Say Yes
I don't know why, but everything makes sense when I'm around him.

Last night we went hiking up to a cave he knows of, and it was snowing and freezing and we were talking on the top of this cliff and suddenly it hit me and it hit him and he leaned on me and I hugged him and I was warm, even though the snowflakes were falling into my hair and shirt and onto my back and hands and toes inside my shoes. It all came around like a figure eight and led and bled into itself until we were just two circles, blurred and blotted. We made sense, it made sense, everything was happening for a reason and we could feel it.

This poem tells about us so well:

At first you will know not what they mean,
And you may never know,
And we may never tell you:-
These sudden flashes in your soul,
Like lambent lightning on snowy clouds
At midnight when the moon is full.
They come in solitude, or perhaps
You sit with your friend, and all at once
A silence falls on speech, and his eyes
Without a flicker glow at you:-
You two have seen the secret together.
He sees it in you, and you in him.
And there you sit thrilling lest the Mystery
Stand before you and strike you dead
With a splendor like the sun's.
Be brave, all souls who have such visions!
As your body's alive as mine is dead,
You're catching a little whiff of the ether
Reserved for God Himself!

~Faith Matheny, Spoon River Anthologies, by Edgar Lee Masters
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Fight Club
Jan. 30th, 2005 @ 12:20 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: mellowTired and Happy
Current Music: Death Cab For Cutie
I just had one of the best weekends of my life.

My UU church was hosting a Conference (Con), which is really just a bunch of people between the ages of 14 and 19 getting together and hanging out and making out and acting out and dancing round and sleeping in and staying up late and eating too much and clogging the toilets, but it was so exciting and so much fun and I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL APRIL COMES!!!

Friday, Caryn and I were supposed to bake ten batches of cookies, but Ross and Anthony didn't go shopping for us Wednesday like they were supposed to so we ended up going shopping, but we couldn't find egg replacer for the vegan cookies. When we got everything and were at the register paying for the stuff, it turned out to be over $50 worth of cooking supplies and Caryn only had $40 and I had $0, so we took about a third of it out and ended up paying only $40. Caryn started having a panic attack and so I helped calm her down and we went back to her house to get started on the baking, but it turned out that they had overcharged us by about $20 so Caryn left me to start the mixing of the ingredients while she went back to the store and corrected the error. In the meantime, I was trying to survive in a strange kitchen baking something which could not be screwed up by myself for the first time in my life AND her mixer was trying to kill me. When she got back she had forgotten to go out for the egg replacer, so she left again, and then when she got back we didn't have enough margarine so she had to go get THAT. By this time I had already started baking the cookies and everything. Caryn had called Lea from school to help with the baking because she's a really good cook, and Lea came and she and Caryn sat at the kitchen table and talked while I raced around trying to make sure nothing was getting burned. Once they had swapped life stories about five times each Caryn had to go take a shower to get ready for work so she left me baking and Lea just sitting there, being really helpful doing NOTHING. Bear in mind that we were supposed to make eight batches of regular cookies, two batches of vegan cookies, two huge cookies (one vegan and one regular), and regular and vegan frostings; not only that, but we had to have everything done by 4:00 and I didn't even get started until about 2. So Caryn got out of the shower and finished her makeup and hair and got dressed and took her time and then came back into the kitchen and talked more with Lea while they ate a few of the cookies that were done and watched me bustle around like a chicken on crack. And then when I didn't have time to make the frostings they were both disappointed with me, like I had just been sitting around and they had been doing all the work. So then I had cleaned up and it was time to go and Lea left and I wanted to collapse on Caryn's couch and stay there instead of go to church and the Con, but Caryn yanked me up and wanted me to help her put the cookies into bags. So I did, and then we went to church and she unlocked the doors and we went in and she told me to start stacking all the chairs in the Sanctuary and move them somewhere out of the way. And then she left to go to work. And I was there alone, stacking about 250 chairs and feeling like I wanted to just sink to the floor and sleep the weekend away. But instead, because I'm proud and strong, I stacked them one by one.

Sean got there at 5 and helped me move them, and he lightened the mood because he started poking me AGAIN (he does it every Sunday) and tickling me and laughing at me and chasing me around while I made EEK noises like a girl because I am one. And then the people started to filter in and the Con began.

Taylor and Ross got there next, and then Anthony and Elise, and we all hung out and put things into order while we waited for the others from Wyoming and Colorado and other parts of Utah to come in their buses. Taylor started ignoring me when the others arrived, so I was completely on my own since Sean is always surrounded by a crowd and Anthony and Ross ran off somewhere and Elise socialized and Caryn wasn't there. Then we got separated into our Touch Groups and we played all these weird games I hadn't ever even heard of before and I got hit on by a fifteen-year-old lesbian who followed me around pretty much for the rest of the Con. I also had the worst stomachache of my life and tried to avoid people by sitting alone because it hurt so bad I couldn't really smile and so whenever someone grinned at me I grimaced back.

But then I took out my sketchbook and suddenly I was talking to people and meeting people and coming out of my lonely pod, and I started drawing people and then other people were impressed and asked me to draw more, and so on. And then before I knew it the toilets had been clogged and it was time for bed. Since I'm an insomniac and so is Taylor, we slept together (NOT like THAT you SICKOES!) in the Mixed Gender room and talked until 5:00 in the morning. I slept for what felt like forever and woke up at 7:30 am feeling completely energized and pumped and not the least bit tired. Which was good, because that was the longest day ever.

Taylor left the Con for good. There was a disaster business meeting and it was the last of a long chain of unpleasantries that had him fed up, so he resigned his position for the Youth Council and took himself out of YRUU and won't ever be coming to another Con or Sunday YRUU meeting again, and maybe never to church again. When I found out I was so sad because we had really connected with each other the night before to the point where we knew exactly where the other person was in their mind and it was so awesome. So I started crying but there were a lot of people around and so I ran out of the Sanctuary and was going to hide in the Annex shower room, but on my way there Sean stopped me on the stairs in the hall and asked what was wrong, and I told him and he stepped forward and hugged me and we just stood there hugging for about ten minutes and I was crying and he was telling me he knew, and there was nothing else that we could say. Then we sat down on the steps and he had his arms around me and we just sat there and said "Fuck" and felt shitty for a while, having a whole conversation with one word. Then we started talking about other things that sucked and we just sat there holding hands and needing each other until the dinner claps sounded and we had to go get food. After that, every time we were near each other we made a point of touching each other, like we were using some sort of invisible feeling radar to tell whether the other person was OK. And for the rest of the Con we were there exactly when the other needed someone. The thing you have to understand about Sean is that he is a very caring and protective guy who sprays blue into his hair and makes me laugh, so he's always doing things like coming up behind me and hugging me or standing there leaning on me or whatever. I told him later that if he hadn't been there on those steps right then I would have been miserable for the rest of the Con. I think he really understood me while we were sitting there being miserable and lonely together. I really like Sean.

Dale, this friend of Caryn's and now friend of mine from Colorado, helped me lead the Improv workshop, which turned out fabulously and everyone loved it and Mrs. Donaldson would have been proud to her hairtips if she'd been there. Then Caryn and I did the Ballroom workshop, teaching the waltz and the jitterbug and it was SOOOOOOOO MUCH FUUUUUNNN! For the rest of the time I was there people told me how good I was and asked me to teach them. So I spent a great deal of time doing that.

Anthony was getting Morgan (from Ogden) to do his mohawk, so I watched and memorized what he looked like and then started drawing a profile of him with his hawk and it looks so much like him and he was really impressed.

I gave Anthony a back massage that he absolutely loved, and then gave Caryn one and Sean one. They all thought I was fabulous and want me to give them another one next week. Which I will gladly oblige to. I went to bed at 3:30 and got up at 6:30.

Today we woke up and cleaned up before service started and we saw the buses off and I got so many hugs and it was great. I didn't think I would know hardly anyone by the end of the Con because I thought the people would be so much different from me and that they wouldn't like me, but I felt so much at home with them. It was incredible. And then they left.

And in my mailbag there was a note. It was scrawled quickly on yellow paper and folded over once, and it said, "*drool* You make me cry a little." I don't know who it was (I think Anthony or Oliver) but it was really nice, and it made me feel good even though a lot of the girls I knew there and most of the guys had been making out and being couple-y except for me. Anthony also told me that Oliver has a crush on me, which is cute. He's a very odd one.

So that was my weekend. I'm so tired and I've been cussing all day and I'm hungry but I had such a good time and I can't wait until the next one in April.
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Jan. 23rd, 2005 @ 07:45 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: energeticenergetic
Current Music: Judge Dredd, Big 6
One of those moments when I am dancing and thinking about the beach.
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